Ok so I've been sitting here for about 10 minutes trying to think of a good way to start this post but it's just not coming out like I want it to. The last time I posted I was pissed off at the world and hated everyone and this and that...I appologize..I won't lie - I was PMSing. I mean, a lot of what I said was, indeed, things I was going through and it was hurting and I had to get it out...but the pissed-off-kill-the-world-ness was exagerated..how lovely to be a womaaan..psh
Now, there's something that I do need to get off my chest...
I've never EVER felt like this. I know I shouldn't feel like this either, I really shouldn't because musicians are bad and they'll break your heart as soon as they're in the next town and see another girl. You can't trust them and they're manipulative sneeks; but then there's the irresistable kind. The kind of person that you just fall head-over-heels for. This is the kind of "I don't know you but I love who you seem to be" thing...except, well, I know him and we're friends and talk every time I see him at a festival. Yeah, I've got one of those people on my hands. His name is Josh. I'd say who he plays with and post a picture of him, but I'm trying to avoid getting this blog traced back to me in any way, shape or form. I've thought about not even posting about him because if a person actually goes and searches for him, ya know, and they find this...well, things would and could get REAL bad REAL fast...but I just can NOT sit here and have all of this bottled up another minute..especially after last night (more on that later). Anyway, Josh plays guitar, mandolin, banjo, dobro, sings, he's all of that. He's in a band that travels all over the world and I only get to see him maybe 8 or 9 times a year...and here I sit looking at his picture, staring at him, imagining looking into his eyes, being able to smell him and feel his embrase (it's like I'm describing a country song here)...and all I can think about his how...I think I'm...ugh, I really don't want to admitt this...but I think I'm...I think I'm in love with him. (yeah, that took about 10 minutes to stare at and actually type.) I do NOT want to feel that strongly about him. I don't want to be that vulnerable about one person, especially one I get to see less then once a month but when he's all I ever think about, the one I wake up to thinking about, go to bed thinking about, while in bed I dream about, the one I count down the days til I get to see him (January 13th is when I get to see him again <3), the one that, all you ahve to do is say his name and I blush uncontrollably, when I hear him on the radio I feel imense pride for all that he's done and smile ear-to-ear, the one that I get butterflies at the mere thought of and the day before I get to see him til the day after I see him I'm so nervous and excited that I can't eat or sleep...is that not love? I know it's lust but it goes deeper then that. I care about him and when I'm with him, if he needs to go to something, weather it be having to go to practice before he gets onstage and he doesn't wanna leave or having to get on the bus for the next show or signing autographs and taking pictures with the band or other people - anything - I always tell him "you go do what you need to. This is what you do, I'm not getting in the way. You go and I'll still be here." I'm not a whore and I've NEVER insinuated that we go "get on the bus" or anything of the like...I care about him as a person and as a friend and I'd do anything for him that need be just because he means that much to me. I've never been in love with someone before...is this love?
My friends Cia and Eli and Molly..they all say that I really shouldn't feel like this about him because he's a player - that he'll break my heart and leave me there to die. Be that as it may but I was told something last night that he said about me back in May...my friend told me this as kind of a birthday surprise (my 18th birthday was on the 20th!). She said that she overheard him say something about me to his friend. Evidentally I was standing about 10 feet away talking to someone and he was talking to someone and pointed to me and said, "you know, I really like the woman she's turning out to be." Yeah, he's deffinatly a heartbreaking killer-on-the-loose.
Hey, I could be wrong - I probably am wrong - but I can't see him being that kind of person at all. And, well, if he is..then I'm just gonna hafta climb right out of this hole that I've dug for myself because I seem to have fallen so incredibly hard that there isn't any chance of getting myself out anytime soon. I think I'm in love with the boy even without even knowing what love technically is.
Him and some friends are playing a show in northeastern(ish) Tennessee tomorrow and that's all I can think about is going to that. It's only maybe 6 hours from me..it's like it's so far away yet so incredibly close..I've driven 13 hours to see him play in his normal band before! And here I sit knowing that I can't go tomorrow...If anybody has an extra $250, ya know, just lying around the house for a plane ticket for me then I'd love you forever...you'd be in my wedding! C'mon! That's an offer you just CAN'T turn down!!! ;] I mean, this is for LOVE!!
So, other then that, I really don't have much to say. My friend and I, the one that I have this love/hate relationship going on with - yeah, not much has changed. She went with me the other weekend to see him and, actually, she flirted with him a bit. Good thing is that he didn't pay her much attention. Talked and joked with her but nothing else - I would have slit her throat right then and there.
Work is same ole same ole and never really changes - I can't wait to get out of there.
Sorry about gushing about this guy...I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I'm so in love that it's not funny. My next entry will actually be worth reading and it might not make you vomit like this one may have.
