I’m so glad that nobody reads this thing. What I’m about to say…ugh. I can’t fucking stand it. Remember I posted about being in love with this Josh guy? After I posted that I REALLY started believing that I was in love with him. I know now that it wasn’t love. Well, it might have been. Aw hell, I don’t know. I just know that as of last Saturday night my heart’s been broken in a million pieces. Story time? I think so.
For the past 6 months every time I’ve seen him he always flirts with me and I with him. I mean, he’s one of those people who I feel like I can be 100% me around. Of course, I personally never told him that I really liked him this much. Probably better that I didn’t, now that this has went on. Well, I saw him last Saturday and I was all excited. I sat there and watched the concert and he did wonderful, broke a string but he was wonderful. The lady he plays guitar for was wonderful, too. It was just….wonderful…and I loved it.
After the show I went out to the lobby of the place and saw him and ran and gave him a big hug and we smiled at each other and the way he looks at me…my god. He looked at me like I was the only person in the room; like I was the only thing that mattered to him. I know for a fact that I looked at him like I just wanted to burst out and scream, “I love you, Josh. Don’t you see it? Don’t ever leave me.” And then when he hugged me and I was in his arms it felt like I was finally home. I wanted to whisper in his ear, “please…please don’t ever let me go…” But…he let me go and then I just looked at him. And we talked and laughed…somehow got on the topic of vomit. lol see? We’re odd like that. Well, I went over and started talking to my friend that was also there and when I turned around…he had vanished. Soo I thought whatever, I’ll see him in a little. He’s probably onstage tearing the sound system down.
I didn’t see him for the rest of the night. Not once. Again, I thought “whatever, I’ll see him in 2 weeks.” So I told one of his band mates who is also a pretty good friend to tell him I said bye and that I’ll see him soon. He said no problem and gave me a half-hearted kind of smile. AGAIN, I thought, ‘well that was a weird look’ cause it was a look like he felt sorry for me. But I guess then he knew that I knew that something was up and started picking on me and said “say bye to who? JORSH?! Manda, you like Josh, dontcha?” I started blushing and was like “shut up, hunter.” He said, “I saw you flirtin” and I said “well, he’s flirtin right back so it’s gotta mean something, right?” and he didn’t say anything which, again, I thought was uber weird. Then we left and all I got to do to Josh was wave to him out the car window. How depressing is that?
It gets depressing right…..now..
The friend that was there with me called my cell phone about an hour later while we were on our ways home and said that her mom was talking to Josh…
The man’s engaged.
Engaged.
What the fuck.
I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend.
He flirts with me for HOW LONG? Then come to find out he’s ENGAGED?!
What the fuck.
She told me that and right then and there my heart broke into a million pieces. Who does that? Flirts with you and asks how long it is till you turn 18 and then gets engaged?
AND ON TOP OF THAT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE COMMON DESCENCY TO TELL YOU?! You have to find out from a FRIEND?!
Hunter being weird…that all added up. Josh running off? What the hell was that all about?
Asshole.
What the fuck ever.

I’ve been crying ever since she told me that. Cried myself to sleep on Saturday. Cried at work all day on Sunday. Ate ½ a gallon of Edy’s Slow-churned Chocolate Fudge-Chunk ice cream with oreos, chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a cherry on top while watching The Notebook and bawled then. The part where her mother calls him trash and he hears it and she breaks up with him and you can see how broken-hearted she is…that’s the part I cried the hardest at this time. Not when they die in the bed together…but when her heart is torn apart – that’s me right now. It’s disgusting how much I’ve cried over this man. It’s not right. It’s not ethical. And most of all…it’s not fair.

Guess my other post was right and so were Eli and Molly and Cia and everyone who told me not to fall for him. Now I have to dig myself out of this gargantuous hole that I’ve dug for myself.

And that bitch-faced “friend” of mine…yeah, I’m not even gonna tell her. I know that she’ll just rub it in my face. Some “best friend” I have. Screw her.
I just know that I love him. And he loves someone else. And that’s it.