Why do people die young? When I say young, I mean under the age of about 50. Why, all of a sudden does God say, "oop, you're done. I need you back up here with me". He could have those people forever when they die old and in their beds. Why does he have to have them back right away? If God is so patient and kind, why can't he just wait like he's waiting for the rest of us, like the old people who die at like 112. I'm not saying "we should live forever! the world should be made of marshmellows! har har har!" but I'm also not saying that I shouldn't be asking these questions in the first place if I'm a "real Chrisstian"; ya know, never question God and all that crap. If you want to have a good relationship at all with anyone, especially God, I believe you need to ask why they do what they do, not sit back and take what life throws at you. I mean, what if they throw a bucket full of shattered glass upon your head? Are you gonna just take it and say "well, it happened for a reason" or, after you get out of the Emergency Ward, are you gonna get up in the bastard's face and be ask em, "what the hell was the for?!"

Today is my Uncle David's 41st birthday. My family didn't celebrate it. In fact, it wasn't really talked about all that much. Reason being, my Uncle David, I believe, is celebrating his birthday in Heaven. He was never married and had no children. Well, no, I take that back. All of his nieces and his 2 nephews (at the time there were only 2 boys) were his children, myself included. He took care of all of us, got all of us the cutest little outfits for Christmas, was always there for all of our birthday parties and for me, my Uncle David was the closest thing I had to a dad. He took me places, always made sure I was happy, cheer me up, taught me how to hit a ball, took me to softball practices - I loved him so much. On November 24th, 2003 tragedy struck my family when he drowned in the Conowingo Dam in a boating accidentwhile fishing. The plyboard on his boat was rotted from being uncovored out in the rain and snow since the previous winter and summer and was cracking apart. It was unusually warm that day for fall so he didn't have a life jacket on. When he leaned back to cast his rod the seat snapped and he went backwards into the water. Uncle David didn't know how to swim. November 24th, 2003 was one of the 3 wrost days of my entire life. I wish it hadn't happened - that he had gotten his boat fixed or that it had rained that day or something...if it had, he'd still be here and we'd be at Mommaw and Poppaw's house celebrating his 41st birthday - his 41st year of life - but he's not and I miss him. Love ya, Uncle David.

I wrote a poem today for my Early British Literature class. I thought it was gonna turn out dumb but I actually really liked it. It has some Anglo-Saxon words in it so I'll explain a little.
Orgilous: arrogant
Rushbuckling: bragging
Kill-cow: terrible man
Nithing: coward
Shend: disgrace
Sleeveless: useless
It's written in a ballad form which has a rhyme sceme of A, B, C, B and traditional ballads normally have dialogue, tragic love or faithless lovers, murder and hate, deeds of adventure, sly humor, sudden disasters and has a refrain which is like a chorus in a song. Got all that? Good.


Orgilous Joe
Young love comes
young love goes
and so is the story
or orgilous Joe

Orgilous Joe
made rushbuckling an art
thought he could make any girl
give him her heart

A true kill-cow
Casanova devine
till that fated day
he met his match - Caroline

They say Caroline
was a widow - how sad
4 husbands she killed
adultery made her mad

They married that spring
In the warm month of march
As expected, Joe cheated
and broke Caroline's heart

"What a nithing! What a shend!
What a sleeveless jerk!
I'll repay him
for all of my hurt!"

The following night
while Joe was in bed
Caroline took a machette
and cut off Joe's head

Now in a graveyard
In a six-foot hole
lays a man with a headstone
that reads Orgilous Joe

Young love comes
and young love goes
and so is the story
of Orgilous Joe


I think I'm like Caroline. If my man ever cheated on me I think I'd cut off his head and balls and hang them on the side of the nearest Piggly Wiggly.

Gery's Anatomy is on. I think we all know what that means for me...

Things don't seem to be getting much better...
But it's not as bad as it could get.

What does a person do when they feel like they don't have that one person that they can completly confide in? That's what I'm feeling like right now. I don't wanna talk to this "best friend" of mine because, well, who want's to hear "yeah, I don't like you any more. You're not my friend anymore. C-ya"? I wouldn't. I dunno, maybe I'll work on things with her. Maybe I'll talk things out and make things all better - like a computer. Delete all the whoryness, install some trust factors, get rid of all the boys she talks to that piss me off from her RAM and bom-badda-bing!, it'll be brand new and portable...like a laptop! Tha'd be nice BUT I really don't see it happening. Not any time soon, atleast.

I love my job. I absolutly love my job, even when it's hectic and busy and there are a bagillion orders for fries and fries won't be done for another 7-10 minutes and we're out of drumsticks and everyone wants drumsticks...I love those times. (I work at a Royal Farms which is like a Sheetz mini-mart, gas, coffee, food, toilet brushes, everything you need at an all-in-one stop) What I do NOT like, however, is the fact that the people I work with bitch and complain about each other but never say anything to your face. Today, a woman that I worked with, let's call her Jane, and I completly busted the hides off of our asses doing orders. It was boom, boom, boom, boom, boom allllll day. The whole while, Lisa was in the back breading chicken, breading fries as we needed them, dropping chicken in the fryer, (doing all the shit jobs basically) and she did this for her shift which was only 5 hours and THEN she stayed almost an hour later because we were still bust ass busy. Well, Lisa left after doing an amazing job and Jane and I patted her on the back (she's new) and told her either we'd do the dishes or we'd get someone else to do the dishes. An hour later, after Jane left, and asshole who shall be referred to as Kenny, being the dickhead he is, comes back to the deli where we were, looks at the dishes and goes "why didn't Lisa do the dishes?" and I told him how busy we were and he goes "It takes 10 fucking minutes to the dishes. She couldn't stay another 10 minutes to do them?" and storms off and does the dishes. What the fuck, yeah, it takes 10 minutes to do dishes but here's the thing: After one busts their ass to feed every hungry person in Crackawingo, that 10 minutes feels like hell wheras, if one farts around in the cooler, stocking shelves and bitching about other employees with the Assistant Manager (who just so happens to be that person's girlfriend's mom and the person they live with), 10 minutes of dishes IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL SO SUCK IT UP. Fucking shit, that's what it is! Then what did the asshole do when I got ready to leave? Talks with the other girl, the Customer Service Leader, about how I didn't do the dishes and poor little him had to do them and he had to take the trash out and oh no! he had to drop chicken for us when we were busy that ONE TIME OUT OF THE WHOLE 8 HOURS WE WERE BUSY. Yeah, I heard it all, went around the counter wher he was at and was like "what was that?" and he pretended like he didn't hear me. -_- uggh. I can't stand him. I just can't. Another wooonderful thing that happened today at work? The CSL, she complained allll day about being tired. Why? Because she had to work 14 hours yesterday. Excuse me? She didn't stay for 14 hours straight. She worked 8, went home for 3 and came back whereas I stayed there from 6am to all but 6pm. She only worked 2 hours longer then I did but you don't hear me bitchin. By the way, when she "works", all she does is walk around, get in people's business, tell them what they AREN'T doing right. Every now and then, only when we're drowning in orders will she come back and say, "oh, you need any help?" Well what the fuck do you think? We like to take all the order slips, throw them on the floor and roll around in them like a dog rolls in shit? Noo, we like when there's orders for 4 20-piece chicken meals when we don't have a single wing or breast in the warmer. God damnitt, some days I just feel like I'm surrounded by idiots.

So, after that kind of day I just needed to come home, light up a ciggarette and sit on the computer for an hour and a half and just chill. I'm out of ciggarettes and I come home and read a bulletin on myspace...this is it:

To every guy who knows which girl he wants.

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."

To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."

To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.

To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.

To every guy who has given her flowers just because.

To every guy that said he would die for her.

To every guy that really would.

To every guy that did what she wanted to do.

To every guy that cried in front of her.

To every guy that she cried in front of.

To every guy that holds hands with her.

To every guy that kisses her with meaning.

To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.

To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.

To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.

To every guy that would give his seat up.

To every guy that just wants to cuddle.

To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

To every guy who told his secrets to her.

To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.

To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

To every guy that believed in her dreams.

To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.

To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

To every guy that walked her to her car.

To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.

To every guy that gave his heart.

To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.

This is one bulletin for you...Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore... And because of this, there are not many left out there...If you are a nice guy repost this with "We're a dying breed."

If you are a girl that thinks every guy should try to acomplish even a few of these repost this with: "To the nice guys left".

Being that I'm PMSing and feeling like shit because I have a cold and I'm not on my diet today, reading this makes me extremely upset. At this point in my life, I want something like this. I want someone that cares and that I can trust and that^..it sounds so good. I just want a guy like that. I have my eye on 2 boys, I'm friends with both of them but what they don't know (atleast one of them doesn't know) is that I like them a lot. I'm not sure if I want the other one to know abnout it at all or not - I don't want to risk that friendship. What am I to do? = (

Seeing that I've been up since 5 this morning, I'm exhausted. So much to the point that I'm typing with one eye closed which means I'm gonna crash any second now. I'm gonna go take a nap and maybe try to write a song. Yeah, a song about killing my co-workers and wanting to find love...I'm sure that'd be a Grammy-winner...

alright, so xanga is boring and myspace..well, I don't really post anything in those blogs. There are too many people who I can see reading stuff on there and saying "aw, manda, you can talk to me" and I'm just like..no..no I can't. Anyone know what I mean?

I guess the deep down reason why I started one of these things is because I need to vent so, anyone who might be reading this, the following means nothing to the effect that I'm a drama queen or I'm emo or any of that shit. I'll have better blogs later but right now, I'm venting becuase I have no one else really to vent to.

My best friend was hated by a lot of people in my school and, well, elsewhere as well. But, being raised the way I was, I got to know this girl and instantly we became "best friends" (I use that term loosley these days). That was, oh say...5 years ago. Age has decreased the number of people who don't like her because it was dumb why people didn't like her to begin with. The thing that time has also done, however, has increase the annoyance level I have of her and lessen our friendship ties..atleast on my part.

I've listened to bluegrass my whole life and, technically, even before that. I'm a grits-fed, boots-wearin, toe-tappin, hat-on-my-head country girl and love it to death. Bluegrass has been my life for forever and, anyone who is like me, knows that there is like another world out there - the Bluegrass World. Everyone knows everyone and we're all (for the most part) friendly with each other. Yeah, you have your assholes but you learn to live with them, not cuss em out and fight em like a person would in, oh say, high school. This has been my world that I've grown up with my whole life - sandbox to audiance. I've never had anyone interrupt my world which I know sounds like I've had my head berried in a world made of marshmellows for my entire life but there are things to be said that will even it out.

Nobody in my neck of the woods uner the age of a million likes bluegrass except for yours truely. That was before this chick came along which, I openly admit, was all my, I don't want to say fault, but..if the word fits...anyway, for our birthdays, which are 1 day apart (me being older by 18 hours) she wanted to be with me wherever I went (remember, this was when we were "best friends") and I told her I was going to a bluegrass concert In Maryland to see Rhonda Vincent, Cherryholmes and The Lewis Family. Well, she went with me, fell in love with the music and I was extatic. This was the best birthday ever because the present I got, I thought, would last forever - I got a bluegrass friend.

I should have known then that this was the biggest mistake of my life. Long story short, she came into my world, flirted with all my guy friends, pissed off my girl friends who were the guys' girlfriends which, in return, pissed off the guys, made new "friends" who, later on, called her a whore behind her back because she flirted with them on myspace (but she didn't believe this because "they said they didn't say anything about me" (yeah, like they'd really tell you to your face if they did)). All of this combined made the girls pissed off at me because she was MY friend, made me a Whore By Association, and she's basically holding me off of getting any new friends because, if anyone out there doesn't already know this, people talk about people. "Hey, you know that myspace girl that so-and-so have been talking to? The easy one? Yeah, that's her friend." Never, before this girl came along, did I think I'd be in the middle of this pool of royal shit in my simple, placid bluegrass world. Never.

There's another part to all of this, too. There's a boy that I like. I've liked him for a long, long time. I told her from the get go that if she were to ever so much as look at him the wrong way, that'd be the end of all the festivals, concerts and I'd never talk to her again. Some people, if they said that to their "best friend", they'd never, not in a million years mean it. I, on the other hand, meant it 100% when I said it. Here letely she's been talking about him. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it is a big deal. Especially since she's friends with his best friend who thinks that she likes the boy I like. Anyway, she got a hold of his AIM screen name and won't give it to me. Now, would a real best friend do that to me? Get the boy's screen name that I'm practically in love with and not give it to me, but keep it and talk to him herself? I guess I'm jsut not sure because I don't really ahve a best friend - I have a girl who uses me to go places and see people and flirt out the ass with anything that has a penis. Does a best friend do that?!

I bet if you're still reading this all just sounds like a bunch of gobbly-gook bitch-fight mess, but for me it's reality. Facing this girl who, day by day, with the help of cyberspace, is digging a hole, not only for herself, but for me with a plastered on "everything is fine and dandy" face isn't easy. I have to face this girl every single day in school and it's having a great wear-and-tear on me. I don't know how much longer I can put up a front for her and the rest of the school. I can ust hear the, "what happened with you and _____?" becuase god forbid she keep her mouth shut about it and not expose the problem to the entire school. See, there's another thing I can't stand about her. It seems like the bad is outweighing the good..and why am I friends with her? Please, someone remind me.

I know I should ditch her. I really know I should. But deep down I know that, if I leave her, then she won't have a single friend in the world and bu that I mean friend, not guys in the internet who will give her a pity "Manda's a bitch" party and then stop talking to her when another pretty girl starts talking to them (maybe even talking to them in REAL LIFE! Now there's a shocker). If I abandoned her she'd have to stay at home with her hellish-don't-give-a-damn parents and her video-game-addict-reckloose of an older brother who doesn't give a shit about anything except if he gets to the next level or not ( and if you ask me, he hasn't gotten to the next level sinve about 7th grade). I know this girl's heart and soul and she is really great person, but she has very bad habits that I just can't stand to put up with anymore.

So, I'm left with thoughts that people have been telling me for years. She's not a real friend. She doesn't care about me like I care about her. I need to stop taking her to anything relating with bluegrass (people have actually asked my MOM "what is Amanda doing hanging out with a girl like that?!?") for my sake, as well as hers. I don't want rumors of her being a whore spread around, not just for my WBA problem, but for the sake of her reputation. I can't stand having to make this coice - it's like Meredith having to choose over Finn and McDreamy - whichever way she chooses she risks losing something (or in her case, someone) else.
If anyone has read this whole entry, I appologise for talking soley about my problems. It's just the heaviest thing on my mind at the time. Maybe it's just PMS...for now, maybe I'll just blame it all on that. Sound good? Mmhmm.


In future posts, expect some song lyrics, poems and storys. Writing is what I do. That's another reason for opening a Blogger account. Criticism, advice, all that good shit. Thanks for listening. Stay tuned.