sdlkghasgmnahjklxzchgkdzjl LIFE IS SHIT!
I shouldn't be typing right now. I should be out mowing my front yard. But fuck that. I'm here about to freaking punch someone in the face. I don't know whether I want to punch freakin Rachel the cuntfaced whorebag (which would involve traveling like 900 miles away but I don't care) or go find Michelle, his fucking fiancé, and slit her throat or go to, let's see where he is right now, hm, Nashville, go to Nashville to kill him. Either which way I do it it'll end up with someone dead which is what I want right now.
He went and got engaged. I thought I was ok with it. Actually, I am ok with it but only like 70%. I'm not ok with it. I wanna kill her AND him so they both rot in hell together. I want to be with him because it's not a question anymore, I was in love with isinghim. I truely was and still I can't even look at his picture without wanting to bawl my fucking eyes out and want to kiss the hell out of him the next time I see him. I can't listen to him sing on the radio and get this, I just found a video of him on youtube (that I didn't take, surprisingly) and listening to him laugh at someone in the middle of it..I nearly shed a tear and my heart nearly leaped out of my chest. I'm so torn up about him. I don't know if I want to think about anyone else and when I finally do I need them to consumre my whole being like he's done to me. I need to be engulfed in another person who feels that way about me in return. I want it. I need it. I gotta have it.
Rachel - this bitch, GOD ALMIGHTY I hate her!! Back in the day, there was a night that I stood outside of this hotel that they had a convention at that he performed at. He asked me when the next time I would see him when the time came that I had to leave. I told him May which was a month and a half away. He looked SO upset and his eyes welled up and said, "I'll think about you till then", kissed me on the cheek and I left, almost crying. Well, later on I was roaming around in the hotel and went into this one room where a bunch of people were jamming in. So I sit down and listened for a while and then he walks in. I got all excited and before I said hi to him he sees this other girl. I think, "no big deal, he must know her." and then I watch them for about 10 minutes, even though it felt like an eternity. He grabbed a guitar, sat down and started jamming and this girl (who was wearing a skirt up to her cooter and a tank top with a V line so deep that, if you looked at it from the right angle you could probably see her belly button (THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY!!), might I add) walks up behind him and starts rubbing his head. Like, serriously rubbing in a way that would turn 99% of straight men on. And I sit there, thinking "he just said all of those sweet things to me..and there he is letting her rub on him like that" and moments later, he sets the guitar down, goes out on the balcony for about 15 minutes, another eternity, and comes back in with his arm around her wait. I then got up, glared at her and said, "alright, I guess I'm gonna go now." He snatched her arm from around her and said, "how long have you been here?" I said, "I was here before you were. That's how long I've been here." Freakin PISSED ME OFF. AND then I find out that they, indeed, had sex that night. Whoopty fuckin doo.
Kay, I told you that to tell you this - I went to his myspace today in school. Guess who's now in his top friends and left a comment to him saying something about talking on the phone the other night? WHAT THE FUCK EVER!!! For the rest of the day I just wanted to punch a hole in someone's wall. Fuck that. ighfsdljkghzckljzaergnmn,bvaiogha;kbnshgs;ijbvnzd;jlbgha
Now, this pisses me off for two reasons and, if anyone is actually reading this garbage, please leave me a comment and tell me exactly how bipolar you think I am:
1 - I have a HUGE love for him and this girl pissed me off once before and is doing it again. It's like I feel like he's mine and I'm like "bitch you better back the fuck off of him before I fuck your day up." I don't want her neer him, I don't want them talking, I don't want her name mentioned. I want her to die and go to hell and get off my man.
2 - But he's not mine. He's never going to be mine. He's Michelle's. I'm not about to be "the other woman" and remotely try to get in between them. I have better morals then that. But this other girl, shit is what her morals add up to. Shit, I tell you. And she wants to get inbetween them and fuck him. I can't let her do that to his relationship, I just can't. Slutfaced whore. I'll write more about her later.
Now I have to mow. Which too...is shit.
